Sucker Fish

So the crazy has been out of her cage for about a week. Why? The sad truth is that nothing is wrong. Capri always tells me to be careful talking about being happy. It goes in accordance with the way we were raised. Don’t let God hear you. He hates the proud.

The Bathtub Mary Catholics have damaged us. Part old school suffering, part old country superstition, part self loathing, and all crazy. You are only supposed be happy on the occasions of births, receiving the childhood sacraments, engagements, and weddings. Day to day you are supposed to keep your head down, take care of your house and work. Happy doesn’t play into day to day. I bring this up because I had the crazy in my ear all week.

I posted on my face book page my favorite rant by Henry Rollins. It is about his trip to the Holy Land and it ends with him talking about the sucker fish that feed on you when you are trying to do something amazing with yourself. I have always been a believer that you only know who really loves you when things are going well. When things are shit everybody shows up. Nobody wants to be the asshole that wasn’t there when you actually need them. Some do it out of concern and some do it for the show. When things are going well, or you are in good place, you tend to get the snide comments. Women are great at this. I have been that girl and so have you. Face it. It is part of the human shit pool. As I have been in my 40’s for some time now, I have become too tired to care. If what someone is saying about me doesn’t pay my bills or tell me how pretty I am, I just don’t give a shit. I don’t give a shit to a point, I should say.

I like the whole “say it to my face” thing. I like looking people in the eye. I always have. I’m not one of those girls that look away. If something is bothering me or I have a truth to tell, you will get it from me. I like to think of it as a controlled burn. You fight a big fire by setting a small one. It has a pretty good success rate for me. I mention this because of a situation I’m currently involved. I’m with someone. No names. Just someone. Someone I like a lot. When you hit a certain age, you come with your own imperfect history. Everyone does. We are all damaged goods. It either makes us better or fucks us up completely. If you are in my bubble of people or not I am going to tell you my truth. I am happy. I have done nothing wrong or inappropriate. Historically this was not always the case. I own that shit as well. If you are in that Smalbany gossip circle, just ask me whatever it is you need to know. I will answer most questions you have. Some things are no body’s biz. I will protect the innocent and even throw myself in that category this time.

Watch the Rollins rant. I’m not comparing myself to Jesus or making myself out to be a victim. God knows, I’m no fucking victim. I have always taken responsibility for my actions, good or bad. What I take away from this rant is this, be amazing anyway and don’t be the asshole with the stick.

I don’t know if God is listening but (sorry Capri) at the moment I am very happy.