Mary Panza

It is all over Facebook. People are posting “Things You Didn’t Know About Me”, friends are liking it and getting assigned a number. Those people then post their list unknown (or known) things about themselves and hand out the number to your so called “friends” and so on. So I liked something El Presidente, Thom Francis put on his list and he in turned gave me the friggin number thirteen. It is a lucky for us Italians because it is St Anthony’s feast day, June 13.

I think to myself, who the hell needs to know anything about me. I need to keep things close to the cuff. I don’t tip my hand to anyone. Got that? Not anyone. Then again, it is Thom, and I do have a writer’s ego and find myself for the most part, incredibly interesting. Here goes:

1. I love my job. I love being a massage therapist. I love that people are happy to see me. I love helping people and most of all I love to massage feet. I don’t know why, I just do. I don’t get grossed out by people’s bodies. I also love the Thai Yoga massage (which I have been practicing for 10 years) and Shiatsu. It is thinking outside the norm. I think the Eastern practitioners have it right and use these methods as preventing disease; which is not to say anything against Western methods. After all, I like my happy pills.

2. I was very hurt and insulted earlier in the year when a certain professor called me a complete nothing. People don’t even know you exist anymore, he said. You are not even good enough to be a joke, he said. I am still hurt when I think about this. I could take the reasoning that I give to my daughter when she is hurt by someone. I say, put yourself in their shoes. I tell her they must be very unhappy if they have to hurt other people. I don’t know if I believe that. I think some people get off by being mean. I feel like they don’t give a shit. I feel sometimes a title is the worst thing you can give certain people. Especially those that can’t handle praise or even worse, need it. I wait for karma to come back at him but the truth is it won’t. So I just avoid this god of a man and continue to be. If I am nothing, whatever. I got things to do.

3. The last ten months have been the best in my adult life as far as relationships go. 3b is the best boyfriend, best friend (not higher up than soul mate Capri) and one of the funniest people I have ever met. That is correct; I don’t have hand in this one. Scares the shit out of me, but it is worth it. I have laughed every day since we first got together. And not for nothing, I went about it the correct way. He was single when we got together. So, for the people who no longer speak to me because I am a man stealing whore… Wait, that’s just too funny and kiss my ass.

4. I’m bored with this fucking list already and want to watch TV.

5. I love TV.

6. I have absolutely no sense of direction. I am also a very bad driver. I am an excellent parker. I will also be that asshole that stalks people walking out of the mall if I think they have a good parking spot. At times, I have asked. Crazy or brilliant? I don’t care. If I have to shop, nothing will stop me.

7. I am a compulsive grocery shopper. If I go more than two days without hitting a supermarket I panic. I panic hard. I think about disappointing my girl and 3b with no dinner and I freak the fuck out. I fed 3b my gravy and pasta with meatballs thirty six hours into our relationship. He said it was the closest he has had to his beloved grandmothers. He has had a hot meal on the table every night at 6pm since then.

8. I was once married. Briefly. I was not a good wife. I am a much better girlfriend.

9. I know now, and am totally cool with, not being cool. I never was. I am ashamed to say I once bought my own press. I was an ego maniacal lunatic. I am happy to say that I don’t know who is who or what is going on much of the time in the poetry, work, pop culture and family realms. I am good with that. I feel the less I know, the less distracted I am. It works for me.

10. I need to speak to my soul mate Capri at least two to three times a day. I need to talk to her and hear her voice and yell at her for her hypochondria. It has been the way things have been for most of our lives. We tell each other everything. I also talk to my sister at least twice a day. Those conversations consist of me asking her if she loves me more than the rest of the family. The jury is still out.

11. From the time I could write, I did. The first thing I ever wrote was a soap opera. Complete with stick people actors. As I got older, I wanted to be a journalist.

12. I consider a pint (or half gallon) of ice cream a serving size. I also hate being fat. I also can’t lose weight. Welcome to my head. You might want to lie down. It makes no sense and total sense all at once.

13. I am very happy this list is over!

3b, Thom and my oldest friend (I will call him Serpico) have taken umbrage with number 6. I totally AM a great parallel parker. I just can’t do it when under pressure or when some asshole is standing there trying to direct me. I am still a bad driver. I will concede that point.