Housewife Tuesday – Where the Hell Have I Been?

Mary Panza

It is a good question. I haven’t written anything is weeks because I have been living my weird life. Things are quiet and dark in my house right now so I figured this would be the time to recap.

So I had a really bad snoring problem. I am guessing I have had this problem all along and 3b was the only one with guts enough to tell me. Okay, he didn’t actually tell me, he recorded me. Okay, he also took photos. Aside from the obvious, I don’t know how anyone could have put up with that sound and the fact that my tongue was practically hanging out and my double chin was now my multiple chins. Not pretty, not sexy, I was lucky to have ever gotten laid. I give 3b credit, lots of credit for putting up with that for so long.

So as I may have explained, I began the process of trying to sleep better. This included being questioned by a dick of a doctor, going through a sleep study and finally coming out on the other side. When I went back to Dr. Dick for the follow up results I thought I was getting off without another insult as to my mental health. I was correct. Instead I got this:

Dr. Dick: You know, I could put you in touch with a dietitian.

Me: You know what doc; I think I have had enough.

Long story short, I got my CPAP machine (my miracle sleep machine 3b calls it) and it is amazing. I sleep without interruption and 3b can as well. This takes me to a couple of weeks ago.

Now it is no secret that I have gained a huge amount of weight. I whine about it all the time. My clothes mock me and I am sure others do behind my back. I am fortunate that 3b likes them chubby and that I have good hair. I am very fortunate. Anyways, 3b’s band played the Festival of the Dead (or Doomed, I can’t remember) and everyone is required to dress up. After weeks of complaining that I hate the fact that is mandatory that I dress up in some stupid costume I cave, tape a giant cucumber to my leg, put one of 3b’s suits, grease my hair back and go as a man. More man than most I should say. We go; we have fun and the following Monday we are going to my open mic (Poets Speak Loud) with 3b and his roommate. Now let me just say that I have know his roommate for at least 20 years and have always thought of him as a great guy and a gentleman. I still do. Nothing has changed, even after what happened in the car.

Roommate: Mary. I thought your costume was the best. Really funny.

Me: My costume?

Roommate: Yeah, you were Divine.

Not divine as in glorious, Divine as in the actor. All time stopped in the car. He realized what he said and turned a shade of crimson that I have never seen. 3b began to shake his head and laugh uncontrollably. I could feel my face get hot and the tears begin to well up but I held tough because I knew Roommate would never say anything like that to hurt me. I knew it was an honest mistake. I also knew that this was the end of me complaining. I promptly called both of them assholes and that they should both go to hell. I pulled myself together and like so many times before in my life I asked myself how I got here. The only thing I could think of was one pint of ice cream at a time. His comment was what I considered rock bottom. Perhaps lower than rock bottom. It was a wakeup call for sure. I am now in the process of trying to not look like Divine. I will let you know how it goes.

  • Very funny column, and very true-to-life! Glad the sleep machine works, because busy Moms like you need lots of rest!

Pin It on Pinterest