Mary Panza in Suffern

Years ago, that shit book, The Secret, came out.  Everyone in the “healing arts” either got the book or the DVD.  Not wanting to waste too much of my time or money (or risk being seen purchasing the book or DVD), I borrowed the DVD.  I watched the entire DVD (including the extras) have wanted those 2 hours of my life back ever since.  Let me ruin the end for you.  The secret is attraction.  More to the point you attract that you want.  Kind of like that crap book in the 1970’s, The Power of Positive Thinking.  So far I have not won the lottery, lost any weight, or have reached a higher level of consciousness.  Ok, I wasn’t really trying to do the consciousness thing but what the fuck, as long as I was trying.  Nope, I play the lottery semi-regularly. I used to envision what I would do with the money.  I even wrote down my ideal day once I became rich.  It mostly included watching TV so I am at a win there.  Supposedly you could get thinner by envisioning yourself at your ideal goal weight.  I figured I could envision myself thin and still eat too much and not do any exercise.  Obviously, it failed.  The truth of the matter is, in my silly opinion, it is not about attraction, but perspective.  With that said, here is my story.

Last week I had my annual lady check up.  I couldn’t remember the name of the person I saw last year so I threw the dice and ended up with a new ob/gyn.  So, I go through all the paper work, blood pressure, weight (didn’t cry) and get ready for the exam.  I am laying there and still confused about who I made the appointment with I begin to panic.  I am panicked about my weight and having promised to lose weight from the year before and how I have once again failed.  I begin to tear up when there is a knock at the door.  It is her.  My new favorite person: Chubby Dr.  Yup, I had made the appointment based on the fact that I couldn’t remember the one I had last year (she was a fitness nut and wanted you to be as well)so I went with the one whose name I liked better.  My crap logic FINALLY paid off.  Why am I so excited by this, you ask?  It is her philosophy.  I am getting to it, I promise.  She enters limping.

Chubby Dr.:  Hey, my name is (her name).  I know your sister.  How is she doing?

Me:  Great.  What happened to you?

Chubby Dr.:  I tore my meniscus twice.  This last time I fell over my dishwasher door.

Me:  Yikes

Chubby Dr.:  Yeah, what are you gonna do?

There it was.  She continues the exam and asks me about my perimenopause.  I tell her, hot flashes, weight gain, crazy moody, crazy in general.  She says it again.

Chubby Dr.:  Yup.  All pretty typical.  You are normal and healthy.  Everything you are experiencing is par for your age.  It sucks, but what are you gonna do?

Bam!  It hits me again.

What are you gonna do? Yes! That is it! I felt like the doors of perception opened and there was Jim Morrison, Bukowski, Jesus, Buddha, Ben and Jerry, and the rest of the greats standing there with a tray of brownies, a pack of Marb reds, and an all you can drink happy hour. I really have no control over what is happening. That was the answer. I am totally out of control and it is OK. What is happening is completely normal and that is that.

I got to my car and I just sat there for a minute. She didn’t want me to see a specialist that was going to ask me if I was schizophrenic, or tell me I am the fattest person he has seen all year. I can go home and go on with my life and be as nuts as I am supposed to be without having to find an answer. Holy shit. It was amazing. I had an answer and it was there was no answer. FUCK YOU WAYNE DYER, OPRAH, DEEPAK CHOPRA, JOHN OF GOD AND THE REST OF YOU BOGUS CHARLATANS!!!!! FUCK YOU IN THE ASS!!! I can’t begin to tell you how freeing that revelation was.

Now let me make myself clear. I never really went for any of the crap that these guru’s charge you out the ass had to say anyhow. Many single ladies my age and a little older are looking for answers to what went wrong with their lives. The sucker fish mentioned above look to take advantage of your misfortunes. They are, in my humble opinion, no better than televangelists, politicians, conmen, or most “healers”. Losers all of them. They take a basic, philosophy and charge you HUGE amounts of money to learn it or to have them gaze in your general direction and you are healed. No you are not. You are down several hundreds of dollars and no better off.

So, what are you gonna do? I know what I am gonna do: nothing.