Mary Panza in Suffern

According to the dictionary, an ism is “a distinctive doctrine, theory, system or practice“. Now I am not talking about a political “ism”. I am talking about a Caprism. That’s correct, my beloved Capri and the many theories, systems, and practices that make me want to strangle her. She is my best friend and soul mate. Most of the time, we drive each other crazy.

I may have already mentioned that Capri and I met when we were eight years old. Her parents rented an apartment to my horrible great aunt that I couldn’t stand. So one day my parents were visiting and I sat in the hallway on the stairs. I hated going there and I hated her poodles. They were yippy and unfriendly. So I sat there wondering when my parents would be done and out of the apartment came Capri. She looked at me and went inside her house and got a box of Do Dads (old timey Chex mix), sat down with me and although we didn’t meet again until St Joseph’s, we were bonded. And yes, as always, food was involved.

I have often mentioned that Capri giveth and Capri taketh away. Whenever there is a compliment, there is usually a reality just so you don’t get too full of yourself. For example, I was talking about losing my looks. I was saying that I always have had a good face to which Capri replies, “I don’t think you were as hot as you thought you were. But I finally like your haircut.” I call her a bitch and mean girl and she tells me, “Better you hear it from me.” Now keep in mind I speak fluent Capri so I know what she meant. She then goes on to tell me that she is not mean. We then both agree that I and my vag have had a good run and who the hell cares. Then we start talking about food.

I drive Capri crazy in several ways. I will tell a story from the middle and then have to back track and she starts to ask questions because I am pretty sure she should be able to read my mind. Kind of like that run on sentence I just wrote. It makes her crazy and after a few minutes she doesn’t give a shit anyway and neither do I. Then we start talking about food.

I will tell her to hold on and then scream at the dog. My dog’s full name. She has a full Catholic name. She tells me I have become crazy neighbor that has a crazy dog that I can’t control. I tell her to shut it. Then we start talking about food.

I am almost always early to everything and she has never been on time to anything in her entire life. Her father (May he rest in peace) would always tell me he didn’t understand how any of us could stand her and if he was me, he would just leave her at home. Our opposite quirks make this point an even split. She can’t stand it when I am early. I also like sitting with my back to the wall and where I can see the room. She will fuck with me sometimes and take the seat she knows I want. I whine until I get it and she calls me a crazy old lady. Then we order our lunch. Here is the thing about Capri and eating out. She almost never enjoys it. Not that we are picky because we always finish what we are eating. When we are on the phone, it is inevitable that Capri will be eating something crunchy. Now Capri is not a binge eater like me, so she savors her food and chews her food until it is pulp. That is probably why she is thin and I am not. She savors and smacks her lips and drives me crazy. I tell her to call me back. She says she only has a few more bites and to suck it up because I am the reason she chews funny. I tell her that it was the Hershey big blocks candy bars we had to have on a freezing cold night. It was so cold that we were walking back to her house from the store (about two blocks) that the extra thick candy bars froze and as she went to bite into hers, she broke a tooth. That was the catalyst for her getting braces. By the way, we finished the candy bars. Bloody mouth, broken tooth or not, they were delicious.

Capri and I are on the phone average 3-5 times a day. When we don’t feel like talking because it is literally too tiring, we text. When words are too much we send bitmogies. We are out of our minds. We fight, but not really. We laugh at each other every day. We will sometimes call each other just to sing a lyric of a song or use a crazy voice. She is the best friend I have ever had and probably will ever have. Then we start talking about food.