Housewife Tuesday: Mundane

So I kind of took the summer off from everything except work because I had nothing to say. My girl was transitioning into a new school and her being a tween takes up a lot of my time. It is as emotional as being where I am in my womanhood and let me tell you, you can have it. My womanhood that is. It sucks and I have probably said that a million times before but (and fuck off if you are tired of hearing it) I have no memory left. So here are some of the highlights:

  • I bought meat off the back of a truck. I love the fact that I can say it and it is absolutely the truth. Some sweaty guy, jacked on roids, came a knocking on my door one Saturday evening. So I walk out my front door with a scowl on my face and ask him what the fuck does he want? Let me describe my outfit: merlot colored tank top, sweatpants. I have zero fucks left, my friends. He begins some bullshit salesman story and I finally stop him and ask him how much do I get and how much do you want for it. Let the bidding begin. I love to haggle. I live for it. Most of the time I get ripped off. I never said I was good at it but I do love it. I got a case of beef and a case of chicken for a fair market price. Then my neighbor comes over to compare deals and I got ripped for $65 for the same stuff. I am pissed and have sworn vengeance on this sweaty motherfucker. I didn’t quite get vengeance but I did terrify the driver last week. I saw the meat truck around the corner as me and my girl were coming home and I pulled over. My girl begs me not to make a scene as most tweens are humiliated by ANYTHING their parents do, breathing included. I get out of my car and tell the driver that if I ever catch that sweaty salesman on my block again I will chase him down and beat him until a get either my $65 dollars back or a free case of meat. The driver says he had nothing to do with the pricing and says he will convey the message. Rest assured this will never happen as I don’t chase anything because it would require exercise and will be bogged down from all that meat to chase him.
  • 3b has moved back into his old building across the street from me. I can literally scream to him when dinner is ready. I like to call it the South Troy intercom. I just yell “DINNER” and he acts humiliated. He comes over and eats. He is not a fool. There is something so satisfying and comforting about yelling out a second-floor window. My mother used to scream to me from the stoop when I was a child and I feel that I am carrying on that tradition. Plus, I like yelling.
  • Speaking of food, I got diagnosed with Celiac disease in June. I have pretty much gluten free since the scope. I have spent much of the summer discovering that gluten free junk food is just as good as gluten rich junk food. And cheese and wine and chips are still on the table. That’s right, I haven’t lost a pound. I will say this: I feel so much better. I have stopped getting headaches and have stopped taking so much ibuprofen. My heartburn has gotten better and I feel less bloated. Again, I have not lost an ounce. Every cell in my body is an overeater.
  • I have to say that I enjoyed not taking a vacation this summer. I have been happy to be home every night. I enjoyed not having to worry about if I will have enough money to go away. I felt no pressure and loved being at home and watching plenty of crap TV. Although I must admit, I overdid on the true crime shows. I am now legit paranoid about everything except buying meat off the back of a truck.

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