If you have read this blog, thank you. If you have been a regular, you know I am obsessed with my menopause. It consumes me. I got so bad that my girl had to tell me to just stop. It was driving her crazy. I won’t prattle on about it just to say that the last two days, weather-wise, has been like menopause. You are freezing one minute and the next you are sunny and sweating. It thunderstorms, then there is a snow squall. Finally, you are crumpling thin, crispy potato chips into coffee ice cream and wondering where your life went wrong. Next time you complain about the weather, think about menopause.

With that said, I got my AARP card this week. I was really kind of excited. I took a photo and sent it to my family and my niece, Thing 1, told me I can get discounts at Friendly’s. I got even happier. French fries dipped in Fribble AND at a discount with my old lady card. I am really looking forward to being older. I don’t want to dress like an old lady, but I did just order a pair of black jeans with some kind of fancy stitching on them. In my defense, I ordered them online from my phone and didn’t have my glasses, so really it was a crap shoot. They are going back tomorrow. I also ordered all the shirts a size bigger than I actually take so no one can see where I begin and end. I may not want to dress like an old lady but I certainly don’t want to show anyone how fat I got. No one noticed I lost weight but you can make damn sure it will be noticed when I gain weight. Who do I think is paying attention to me, I don’t know? I am paranoid. I have always thought someone was out to get me and no amount of high grade, name brand pharmaceuticals can change my paranoia.

I think my paranoia stemmed from the one I will call the Evil One. She is the first mean girl I ever met. We went to St. Joseph’s together. The thing about bullies/mean girls is it that they can smell blood on the water. I was the wounded gazelle and she was the hungry lion or whatever eats wounded gazelles. I was an easy mark because when I was a kid, as all kids, I just wanted to fit in. Fit into pants, coats, my uniform, my life and so on. She would play mean jokes on me. I think the worst is when she made me think I had a secret admirer. Then she would just randomly stop speaking to me. A real bitch move in the book of life. So much happened and then we ended up in Troy High, although, she ended up in smart classes and tried to give people the impression she wasn’t from where she was from. She was from South Troy. She had no pride in that. I never understood that. I have never been ashamed of where I came from. As bad as living in my house was, it was honest. It sucked and made no bones about it. No passive-aggressive behavior. Straight up crazy and mean and honest. She never stopped being a mean girl. She never grew out of it. She still talked about me but by then, I could at least act like it didn’t bother me. That is not to say I was perfect or a crybaby. I was a big mouth. I am a big mouth still. I only pray that if I ever made anyone feel the way she made me feel that I could apologize and only hope to be forgiven. She was never sorry.

I probably told you how this story ended. Long story short, I got to break the news to her that she won a dogfight or an ugly girl fight. I’m not gonna lie. I fucking loved telling this piece of shit off. I felt vindicated. I felt like a long shot crossing the finish line with the theme to Chariots of Fire playing in my head. She left my house in a huff and I was so grateful she didn’t cry because then I would have had to console her. I am not an animal. She just put on that prissy face, threw my white Forenza shirt at me and left. We have never spoken again. I stalked her on FB and then told Capri and Socks to have a look. Capri and Socks are ladies. They didn’t respond mainly because they couldn’t find her. Bitchy I know. I don’t forgive easily. Evil One left me with scars. She was the girl that whispered to someone while looking straight at you. She would tell you a boy liked you and then say she never said it. She had all the teachers at St. Joe’s fooled. She had a hard life. We all did. Her gift to me always worrying about what people are saying about my weight comes from her. It is the gift that keeps on giving.

Ice cream truck is heading down my street. Gotta go. Enjoy the weather. It could change any minute.